Most of us were taught that our emotions are too much, impolite, or unnecessary because it may cause discomfort in others...
How often did you stay quiet when you had much to say?
How many times did you ignore your emotions of anger, dismay, disgust, dissatisfaction, sadness, and heartbreak to “keep the peace” or “not make things worse” in a relationship(s)?
How has doing that affected you? Do you find yourself ruminating about what you should have said but didn’t say, and wanted to say?
We all carry stories that never see the light of day. They are experiences of what we felt but never said, the hurts we kept to ourselves, and the frustrations we tried to swallow. We think we are doing the right thing by keeping it all in—out of fear, out of cultural beliefs and patterns, out of politeness. But when we keep those emotions unspoken and buried, they don’t disappear. Instead, they fester. And over time, this emotional silence starts to take a toll on us in ways we may not even recognize.
The Silence Between Us
I see it so often in my practice. A partner shuts down, unwilling to speak out of fear of conflict or rejection. A friend stays quiet about a painful experience, believing that no one wants to hear it. The silence grows, and with it, the distance between them and the people they care about most.
We often silence ourselves in relationships out of a mistaken belief that it is an act of love, of protection, or self-preservation. But in doing so, we deny an essential truth: emotions, if not expressed, don’t go away. They find other ways to come out—through irritability, passive aggression, a growing sense of disconnection, or a sudden outburst when the pressure becomes too much. They can also come out in our physical bodies as those emotions will need to find a way to “exit.”
I ask you, how many times have you chosen silence when what you needed was to speak?
The Relationship We Neglect: Ourselves
Internalizing emotions is an act of self-denial. Every time we push a feeling down, we are essentially telling ourselves, “Your emotions don’t matter.” Over time, this creates a rift within. We begin to feel disconnected from our own internal world, unsure of how we truly feel or what we truly need.
When we repeatedly ignore our emotions, we start to lose touch with our inner compass. Our emotions are there for a reason—they serve as guides, helping us understand who we are, what we value, and what boundaries we need to set. When we suppress them, we not only silence our feelings but also distance ourselves from our authentic selves.
Perhaps most painfully, when we suppress our emotions, we rob ourselves of the opportunity for growth and healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Emotions—especially the difficult ones—are gateways to understanding ourselves better. They tell us what needs to change, what we’re passionate about, what wounds still need healing. By refusing to feel them, we shut ourselves off from the lessons they can teach us, and therefore stay in toxic and dissatisfying relationships.
How It Damages Our Relationships
But the harm isn’t only within us; it’s also between us. What happens to a relationship when one partner, one friend, or one family member begins to silence their emotions? The emotional landscape of the relationship begins to shift. The unspoken becomes a kind of third party in the room—ever-present, ever-growing.
I often ask my clients: What stories do you internalize after your silence?
What are those stories telling yourself about yourself, and also your partner?
Are you hiding behind relational wounds and stopping yourself from seeing the truths in your relationships?
The stories we create in the absence of real communication can be far more damaging than the truth.
Silence feeds suspicion, and soon enough, mistrust or resentment can take root.
For many, internalized emotions also lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Unable to directly express disappointment or frustration, we might make snide comments, withdraw affection, or start keeping score. Over time, these subtle behaviors chip away at the relationship. What started as small grievances become larger issues, and yet, the core issue—unspoken emotions—remains untouched.
Approaching Healing: Reconnecting With Yourself
So, how do we begin the process of healing when the relationship with ourselves has become so distant?
The journey back to self-connection is not always easy, but it is possible. It requires a conscious commitment to listen—really listen—to what your emotions are trying to tell you.
It takes focus and dedication to recognize and intentionally heal the wounds of the past that are influencing what you are tolerating.
Here are a few ways to begin that journey:
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions Without Judgment
2. Rebuild Self-Trust
3. Express Yourself in Safe Spaces
4. Recognize the Patterns
5. Give Yourself Grace
A Final Thought
When we begin to heal the relationship with ourselves, everything else begins to shift. We become more honest with others because we are more honest with ourselves. We begin to trust our feelings, express our needs, and create relationships that are built on authenticity and mutual respect.
The cost of internalizing our emotions is high, not just for our relationships with others but for the relationship we have with ourselves. But healing is possible. By learning to listen to our emotions, to trust them, and to express them, we open the door to a life of deeper connection—both with those we love and with the person we see in the mirror.
So, today, ask yourself: What am I really feeling? And what might happen if I allowed myself to feel it?
コメント